forgetting to take care of yourself, too
and how to come back to your health
Most of my clients come to me with some version of: “I’ve been so busy taking care of other people, my kids at home, my parents, my patients at work…that I forgot to take care of myself!”
They used to eat well, go to the gym, take walks, and spend time relaxing.
They used to know what they wanted to do for themselves. And then, they forgot. Often they neglected their health for years.
This is so understandable. As working moms there is a lot to do. We are often the default parent for all things child-rearing. Add being a nurse into the mix and you are always giving to others.
We are also taught as young children, especially young girls, that our value is in helping and serving others. We are taught not to want to care for ourselves and that it’s being “selfish.”
After attending to others’ needs for years it can be incredibly challenging to start tending to our own.
For one, we have formed countless habits that allow us to focus on helping others.
We have literally wired our brains to think of what the kids need first thing in the morning, to organize the house schedule, and to give patience and attention to those who need us at work.
We have learned to ignore bodily complaints like headaches, poor sleep, irritability, and fatigue.
We have learned to squish down the intense emotions that occur during the daily nursing and caring grind so that we can keep on meeting the demands of the job.
We have negative thought-loops on repeat that despite all the running around, we still aren’t doing enough.
In all this go-go-going, we forgot to take care of our body and forgot to take care of our thoughts.
For me, forgetting to take care of myself resulted in anxiety and panic attacks at the hospital, after being an RN for over 15 years.
My body was seriously trying to tell me something: it was ready to give out. I wasn’t sleeping well at all, waking suddenly with a jolt only a few hours after falling asleep to then sit and stew in my negative thoughts for hours.
Since I wasn’t sleeping well I was irritable and reactive with my kids. I was snippy and yelled. I was ruminating on how shitty everything was.
I still managed to “keep it together” at home and work, or so I thought!
I finally woke-up to the fact that the reason I was feeling so terrible was that I forgot to take care of myself along with everyone else I was caring for.
Our bodies have a way of getting our attention that we need more self-care by getting louder and louder with physical and mental complaints including GI distress, irritability, poor concentration, muscle tension, depression and anxiety, overwhelm..the list goes on.
Questions to consider if you’ve forgotten to care for yourself while caring for everyone else
What is your body trying to tell you? Do you have physical or emotional symptoms of fatigue or burnout?
How is the negative inner critic in your head keeping you from spending some time on stress management, exercise and sleep?
Do you feel guilty if you think about self-care and aiming for healthier ways?
Do you think that if you spend time caring for your own needs that you will somehow neglect your kids or work duties?
When you reflect on your own answers to these questions you may find that you don’t value taking care of yourself.
That’s what happened to me when I took an honest look at why I was feeling so crappy.
Reflecting on these questions I found that I had learned from society that good-moms focus only on their kids.
I found I had learned from major healthcare organizations that nurses “give selflessly” and so I thought I was selfish if I wanted to take time for self-care.
I saw that I learned my value was in caring for others. And I didn’t think I had the time or capacity, or worth, to focus on helping myself get healthy too.
I’m definitely not saying we shouldn’t care for others and focus only on ourselves. Quite the opposite.
Nurses are giving by nature and show their love for others by caring for them. It’s admirable, honorable work. I think my fellow caregivers are amazing humans with a beautiful gift to think of others’ needs ahead of their own.
I’m saying we have permission to care for others and care for ourselves. And that we can value our health as much as we value the health of others.
We do not need to neglect our health at the expense of our other roles and responsibilities. This goes against what society tells us, but I think we are ready to lead the change in the way self-care is viewed.
Once we realize that we need to take care of ourselves too, what do we do now?
1. Self-care isn’t selfish
Start with challenging your belief about why you need to be “selfless” and that you should only selflessly focus on others.
Tell your brain that it’s OK to take time for self-care. You aren’t being selfish if you want some time in quiet, or do a little resting on your days off.
It’s common to be a “selfless” giver who ends up with compassion fatigue and burnout. Let’s chose to be the uncommon-giver who is selfish around taking care of their health, for the good of the everyone.
2. Release the feelings of guilt
So many of my clients and peers tell me that they feel guilty when they do something like give their kids a screen so they can rest. The definition of guilt is “the feeling of having done something bad or wrong.” Is it bad or wrong to rest, exercise, meditate, give your kid a screen for a short time? No.
I was able to release the feelings of guilt when I focused on how we as a family would all improve if I took better care of myself.
3. Reframe your thoughts
Move your brain from thinking, “I’m being so selfish” to “doing this is giving me energy, and my family and patients will benefit from that.”
Notice what thoughts are draining your energy or keeping you from taking care of your own needs. You can redirect your brain and reframe your thoughts to help you feel motivated to care for yourself.
4. Create time to do the things you know will help you feel better.
We all have time for this if we are willing to create it. This means prioritizing your health along with all your other roles. You can start by looking for little pockets of time, 5-10 minutes here and there.
Balance your nervous system
The important thing is to look for self-care activities that put you in the parasympathetic nervous system state. If you work in a chaotic healthcare environment, odds are you are being triggered many times a day.
Your days-off need to balance your nervous system. For me I choose to balance my nervous system by doing the following:
Wake up 10 minutes early to meditate. I would also meditate in my car before my shifts
Take long walks on my days off.
Think about what I’m doing well, instead of what I’m getting wrong.
When I feel overwhelmed and yell at my kids I take a few minutes to calm my nervous system, and then I apologize to them.
Spend 45-60 minutes cooking nutrient dense foods for dinner instead of getting take out most nights
Spend time RESTING. I give myself permission to sit on the couch and read a book. Yes, even when the house is super messy.
Create time for things you find relaxing, like dancing, hiking, crafting, or sitting outside.
When you forget to take care of yourself for years your body needs to spend a lot of time in the parasympathetic state (the opposite of the fight or flight response) so that you can heal and begin to receive the benefits of your healthy efforts.
It’s not impossible to add taking care of yourself to your list of caring responsibilities.
It can start with just 5 minutes a day of stillness.
When your brain tells you, “we are too busy to meditate! There’s no time to take a walk. You want those treats in the breakroom!” you need to redirect your brain to thoughts that will serve and help you.
Thoughts like, “making this one small change will add up. It’s worth it. I have the time. I do not have to feel guilty taking time for myself.”
And that is how you start feeling better.
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