thought grooves: how to stop thinking the same (crappy) thought over and over
Quick over view of the steps to stop thinking a harmful repetitive thought:
become aware of which thoughts cause you pain
pick one thought at a time to work on
PAUSE when you notice yourself thinking this thought
question the thought: is this thought really true?
let the thought go
give yourself a new thought to believe that serves you
write down your new thought daily
Have you ever noticed your brain offering you the same thought over and over? I’d like to say these are happy helpful thoughts, but knowing most humans, the repetitive thoughts are often crappy and hurtful.
I used to think, “I’m a terrible mom, my kids are so out of control.”
And, “I hate the stress of working in a hospital, I’ve become a weak nurse.”
The more often we think one thought, or a variation of that thought, the more deeply it becomes ingrained in the brain, like a deep groove.
I like to visualize this process like riding a sled in the snow. The repetitive thought creates a well-worn pathway through the snow. If you take your sled down the same path, the trail will get a little deeper and your sled will want to stay on that path.
The brain works in a similar fashion. The brain’s job is to be as efficient as possible and use the same “paths and grooves” that it has always used down the snowy landscapes that are our thoughts. Ha, I don’t even live near snow, but this image works for me.
So when I started telling myself, “I’m a terrible mom,” my brain got used to this thought. I didn’t question if it was true or not and so it remained. Haunting me! Making me feel terrible and irritable.
What’s even wilder though, is that these thoughts become self-fulfilling. Your brain will want to find evidence to prove this thought to be true.
When I walked up to the kindergarten gate to pick up my eldest son I would get a feeling of dread because I knew that most likely the teacher would have some report on his behavior.
“Gavin had a bit of trouble keeping his hands to himself today at recess. He and a friend started wrestling.”
And my brain would take this as evidence to reinforce the thought and immediately tell me, “see, you are a bad mom! Your kid gets in trouble every day.”
My brain remembered that in similar situations in the past this thought was allowed, so it offered me the same thought again. This is the brain’s way of looking for evidence to support what you believe to be true.
If you believe your son is a troublemaker, your brain will look for evidence to support that thought by always watching for him to do something “bad.”
If you believe your son’s behavior is communication and he isn’t able to tell you with rational words how he is struggling, your brain will look for evidence to support that he is not trying to be a naughty terror. He needs help.
Both these thoughts are options for you to chose to think. But which one actually serves you? Which one makes you feel terrible, and which one makes you feel calm, empathetic, or in control?
My relationship with my kids totally suffered when I had damaging thoughts on repeat. I was irritable and yelled at them when it got loud in the house
Once I learned how to question my thoughts everything got better. I felt better. Less overwhelmed. My kids crack me up again, and I can handle their big emotions, too.
Why should we focus on thought management?
We often cruise through life on auto-pilot, letting thoughts run around like toddlers in our brain. The thing I didn’t realize for a long time, is that what we think determines how we feel. And what we feel determines how we act.
So when I had a bunch of toddler-thoughts running around telling me I’m a bad mom and a bad nurse, I felt terrible. Crazy irritable, and anxiety over situations with my kids at home and patients at work in the hospital. Then these feelings led me to yell at my kids, or complain about my assignment at work.
My thoughts had become so hurtful that I started having insomnia and waking up with pressure in my chest. I didn’t realize the power of these unchecked thoughts.
It’s important to learn how to manage our thoughts so we can realize where they are causing unnecessary pain and suffering in our life. We can choose to believe painful thoughts, or we can choose to be the watcher of these thoughts, and let them go.
After becoming aware that the thought “I’m a terrible mom” was causing me extreme pain and anxiety, I went to work on creating a new thought. When my brain offered me the same well-worn thought about sucking at this mom-thing, I noticed the thought but didn’t get all mad and irritable. I questioned the thought.
I learned that I didn’t have to believe this thought anymore. This part is key! Don’t believe everything your brain tells you. Your brain is always scanning the environment for danger and is using the same thoughts it has always used on the sled down the snowy hill.
We can change this. We can use our beautiful brains for good. Our brain/mind/thoughts can be our worst enemy, or our best friend. Let’s make the decision, right now, to choose friendship.
There are a few steps to follow when stopping old, destructive thoughts and replacing them with neutral or positive thoughts.
Become aware of which thoughts are negative, harmful, or causing you pain. Keep a notebook with you (or your notes app) and write down whatever thought you were thinking when you feel a negative emotion.
For example, if you notice you are feeling irritated with your kids’ bickering, write down the thoughts you are having at the same time. The thought(s) might be:
“my kids shouldn’t be fighting, this is so annoying!”
“They are supposed to love each other, I’m doing something totally wrong.”
Pick one thought to work on first after collecting the harmful thoughts for a few days in your notebook
PAUSE when you notice yourself having this thought and take a few deep breaths. Do not judge yourself for having this thought yet again.
Question the thought. Understand that not all your thoughts are “the truth.” You can question yourself and ask, “is this thought actually true?” In my case, was it true that I was a terrible mom? Of course not.
In this step you might find an unmet need that your body is asking for.
Let the thought go by telling yourself gently, “oh there’s that old thought again.” Or, “there’s my brain trying to be efficient using the same old thoughts and habits.” Remember the sled in the snow.
Give yourself a new thought to believe that serves you, instead of harms you. You might need to start with a more neutral thought as you work toward creating more positive thoughts you want to think on purpose. You might start with:
“My body is telling me I need a break”
“My kids are making loud noises and that’s fine”
“My kids behavior is not a reflection of my parenting”
Write down the new thought you want to think and start gathering evidence for why this thought is true. Write it down daily. Put it somewhere you can see it often. With time, you will experience drastic changes in the way you feel. From anxiety and irritation to content and calm.
You will be amazed to see that thoughts you have been thinking on auto-pilot for weeks, months, YEARS are able to disappear in a fraction of the time.
It may feel like it's impossible to stop these harmful thoughts. Or this process may seem too simple and good to be true. But it's not. It feels hard to change your thoughts because your brain has been used to saying these things to you for years. The grooves are deep. But it doesn’t take years to learn how to manage your thoughts.
write down your new thoughts or say them out loud
every day
I had a client who realized through our work together that she had a harmful thought on repeat. “I’m so tired,” was sneaking into her days, her life, without her notice until we unearthed how it was making her feel, and thus react to her kids and partner.
When she thought “I’m so tired” she would feel irritated with her family and snap at them. She felt in a low mood without energy.
As we processed this thought using the steps above she was able to question, “am I actually tired? Is this true?”
While she often did feel tired, the thought was just a reflexive habit when her body was feeling anxiety or overwhelm.
What she realized using this process was that she could PAUSE when she had this thought, and question what was really going on.
When she noticed her brain offering the usual, “I’m tired,” she replaced it with a new thought that served her better. She would think, “hold-on, am I really tired? What do I need right now?”
With these new thoughts she was able to see that she needed 5 minutes alone. Or a drink of water. Or to turn on her favorite music while making dinner. This all led to fulfilling her deep desire to connect with her kids as a peaceful momma. She told me she felt less anxiety and had better energy with this practice. Right on!
The thoughts you have determine your experience of life. What you think affects the way you feel. And how you feel is ultimately why you behave the way you do, in all areas of this one beautiful life.
Isn’t this work on thought management worth the effort? I think so. I went from a cranky- crankpot nurse and mom to a much livelier, calmer human. You can do this too. Let me know how this work is going for you.
What’s one new thought you are committing to, today?
